It took me thirty minutes to write this sentence.
I ponder and flinched each time I thought I knew what I wanted to say and erased it. It’s not because I feel an obligation to speak upon the detail I will soon disclose. It’s just, I’m still trying to understand my life as of lately. Speaking about it helps, especially with strangers, as I’ve learned. For someone who has kept her mouth sealed most her life, because I was raised to believe a private life is a happy life, I’ve found a new freedom in admitting my life is a shit show and at times I am a piece of shit. (I’ve been saying that a lot lately and it’s really empowering)
For those of you who don’t know me personally, I have a type A personality. I am rigidly organized, highly status-conscious, sensitive, impatient, anxious, and concerned with time management. While to some, these attributes are what fuel my outgoing personality and proactiveness, to others I can be uptight, too self-critical, or controlling. So as you can imagine, with my type of personality, I’ve had everything in my life planned out and executed quite well up until a month ago. From one week to the next, I went from being engaged to completely isolated. The plans I had and the future I was looking forward too evaporated in seconds.
In one year, I lost two of my greatest loves. The first time, I believed the blow would make me stronger, the second time reminded me of how strong I can be. Nonetheless, the experiences were traumatic and I genuinely would never wish it upon anyone.
But reality set in really quickly. The hardest times in life bring out the ugliest sides of people, and boy did I get ugly. I cried. I drank. I smoked. I picked fights with the wrong people. I cried some more. I felt humiliated. And then I felt nothing. It was in that nothingness that I saw myself for who I was. I was helpless and needed to restart. As JBP said, “When you start to realize how much of what you’ve constructed of yourself is based on deception and lies, that is a horrifying realization.” And such, I had to accept that my relationship had been in shambles far before it’s ending and I take full responsibility for my inability to being honest with myself. I was entitled. I believed I deserved things in my life, of which I was not worthy enough of yet. I hid away from all my fears and let guilt dictate all of my actions. I was codependent and needed a wake up call. And that wake up call came in full force.
Truth is something that burns. But the truth will set you free.
I never meant to hurt anyone but my actions ultimately did and I had to face that fact. The truth is, no one is born evil. Even the biggest pieces of shits in this world have a conscious, and for those who don’t, we call those psychopaths. But don’t jump to conclusions and call yourself a serial killer because you hurt someone’s feelings or disrespected someone you cared about. Yes those actions are wrong, and as I am learning, it’s okay to be wrong.
Learning from the negative aspects of myself has allowed me to forgive and accept other parts of my life that I was hiding away from. And it’s also allowed me to appreciate what I’ve taken for granted; my family and friends. As sad as it sounds, the biggest win out of this whole experience has been the reconnection I’ve gained with the people in my life who have been there since the beginning. Hearing them talk about who I was and how they perceive my future was refreshing. It felt like looking into a mirror again. I had lost myself so much in trying to be something I wasn’t for someone else. And that is okay. We all lose and gain something for what we love. But even with my new liberty to connect with strangers and express my remorse, I have found myself in them. Realizing that we’re all going through the same losses and wins has made me feel human again. We’re all just trying to be better versions of ourselves. Some of us are well into the process and achieving amazing success and some of us are still stuck.
But it all begins with admitting to what you’ve been hiding from. Letting go of the past. Letting go of your fears. And in doing so, I’ve reached a point now in my life where the only thing left to do is move forward. Remaining in the past will only make me feel more and more like a worthless piece of shit. Which I am not, and so aren’t you.
Moving forward just means more opportunities to cherish beautiful memories with my family and friends. More conversations with strangers who have eyes full of hope. More chances at building my career. More leaps of faith. More prayers. More flights to unknown lands. More moments to fail and learn. More moments to tell myself I love you. More moments to breathe. More experiences to feel as human as I humanly can.